Sometimes there are things that you really don't want to do, but that you have to do to protect yourself. Sometimes you have to make the tough decision to protect yourself from having a repeat in history. Sometimes you have to do something that your heart is telling you not to, but your mind is telling you to do. Sometimes it ends up being the 100% right choice and sometimes it ends up slowly killing you inside.
Three weeks ago, my amazing boyfriend and I broke up (so now I guess I should say ex-boyfriend). We had been dating for one year, one month, two weeks, and four days. Our relationship was like none other: we trusted each other 100% and could say or do pretty much anything in front of each other and still be comfortable, we had great communication and talked about things that I had never talked about with other boyfriends, we had bought promise rings and fully intended to keep our promises to each other. It was the best relationship I have ever had, without a doubt.
Before I continue, allow me to enlighten you a bit about my past: I have dated a decent amount of people, I've broken up with a decent amount of people, and I've always done it knowing that it was the 100% right choice (even if it hurt at the time). I've never really doubted any of my decisions before.
We broke up late one Friday night. The typical things were said and I rushed the conversation so my mind couldn't be swayed: it was the right decision in the long term. Four years of seeing each other only three times a year-that shit will break your heart. Also, feeling like you're trying a little harder than the other breaks your heart as well (granted I am a bit better at time management and so I had more time to try). And so I made my decision and knew I would have to stick by it, I had my three strikes and I was out of the batters box. I spent the night playing video games, eating shit food, and pathetically crying into my roommate's box of tissues.
I couldn't have even come close to predicting what would happen next though. For about two weeks, as my ex-boyfriend took time for himself, I took time for myself as well and we both came to a realization. His was that I probably cheated on him with another guy (who had helped me come to the realization that I was trying a little harder) and so (as is appropriate) he got more and more upset as the two weeks went on. Mine was that I might have made a mistake: I cried again when I wrote him the last "love letter", I cried again when I sent him some of his stuff back, I cried again as I looked through (and put away) the photos of us in my wallet, and I cried yet again, the first time we Skyped. I finally had the time to take his advice and look back at our relationship; I re-read the story I had written about us, I looked through the old photos that we had taken, and I thought about what it was like to have lost my best friend and my boyfriend. However, I also knew that my decision was irreversible. For the past two weeks I've been immersing myself heavily in school work-ignoring my feelings and shoving them to the side as I've done most of my life. Regardless of if it was the right decision or not, I made it and I had to stick to it; I wouldn't hurt him again by saying I had made a mistake-I refuse to be one of the people who are together and apart and together and apart, continuously. Apparently my tactic worked.
Now, three weeks later, I have come to acceptance and have taken the attitude that I have for my past loves: there were several high points of our relationship (a year and a month's worth for this relationship-literally there were only two non-high points in that time), he is an amazing guy who I still love very much (I will never stop loving him), he will always hold a special place in my heart, it will be hard to see him with another girl, but that time will tell if we are really meant to be as we believed for over a year.
Sometimes there are things that you really don't want to do, but that you have to do to protect yourself. Sometimes you have to make the tough decision to protect yourself from having a repeat in history. Sometimes you have to do something that your heart is telling you not to, but your mind is telling you to do. Sometimes it ends up being the 100% right choice and sometimes it ends up slowly killing you inside. Only time will show you if you made the right decision or if you decided to kill yourself inside...
Three weeks ago, my amazing boyfriend and I broke up (so now I guess I should say ex-boyfriend). We had been dating for one year, one month, two weeks, and four days. Our relationship was like none other: we trusted each other 100% and could say or do pretty much anything in front of each other and still be comfortable, we had great communication and talked about things that I had never talked about with other boyfriends, we had bought promise rings and fully intended to keep our promises to each other. It was the best relationship I have ever had, without a doubt.
Before I continue, allow me to enlighten you a bit about my past: I have dated a decent amount of people, I've broken up with a decent amount of people, and I've always done it knowing that it was the 100% right choice (even if it hurt at the time). I've never really doubted any of my decisions before.
We broke up late one Friday night. The typical things were said and I rushed the conversation so my mind couldn't be swayed: it was the right decision in the long term. Four years of seeing each other only three times a year-that shit will break your heart. Also, feeling like you're trying a little harder than the other breaks your heart as well (granted I am a bit better at time management and so I had more time to try). And so I made my decision and knew I would have to stick by it, I had my three strikes and I was out of the batters box. I spent the night playing video games, eating shit food, and pathetically crying into my roommate's box of tissues.
I couldn't have even come close to predicting what would happen next though. For about two weeks, as my ex-boyfriend took time for himself, I took time for myself as well and we both came to a realization. His was that I probably cheated on him with another guy (who had helped me come to the realization that I was trying a little harder) and so (as is appropriate) he got more and more upset as the two weeks went on. Mine was that I might have made a mistake: I cried again when I wrote him the last "love letter", I cried again when I sent him some of his stuff back, I cried again as I looked through (and put away) the photos of us in my wallet, and I cried yet again, the first time we Skyped. I finally had the time to take his advice and look back at our relationship; I re-read the story I had written about us, I looked through the old photos that we had taken, and I thought about what it was like to have lost my best friend and my boyfriend. However, I also knew that my decision was irreversible. For the past two weeks I've been immersing myself heavily in school work-ignoring my feelings and shoving them to the side as I've done most of my life. Regardless of if it was the right decision or not, I made it and I had to stick to it; I wouldn't hurt him again by saying I had made a mistake-I refuse to be one of the people who are together and apart and together and apart, continuously. Apparently my tactic worked.
Now, three weeks later, I have come to acceptance and have taken the attitude that I have for my past loves: there were several high points of our relationship (a year and a month's worth for this relationship-literally there were only two non-high points in that time), he is an amazing guy who I still love very much (I will never stop loving him), he will always hold a special place in my heart, it will be hard to see him with another girl, but that time will tell if we are really meant to be as we believed for over a year.
Sometimes there are things that you really don't want to do, but that you have to do to protect yourself. Sometimes you have to make the tough decision to protect yourself from having a repeat in history. Sometimes you have to do something that your heart is telling you not to, but your mind is telling you to do. Sometimes it ends up being the 100% right choice and sometimes it ends up slowly killing you inside. Only time will show you if you made the right decision or if you decided to kill yourself inside...